Cheaters, cheaters and more cheaters... (Did you ever watch that show?)

As a result of SNL this weekend, in which Tina Fey roundly criticized "Bombshell" McGee, the other party in the Jesse James affair, the bf and I got into a spirited debate.  I was of two minds after Fey's tirade in which she attempted to convey her support for jilted women everywhere by arguing that they shouldn't feel bad since "these" (reference to McGee) are the kinds of women they have to contend with taking their men.

Her points are well taken, I suppose, but I (and I will admit that I am a huge Sandra Bullock fan), have a hard time buying Fey's claim of celebrating womanhood while simultaneously calling any woman a whore, skank or slut, regardless of their actions. However well intentioned Fey's remarks might have been (Kristen Wiig donned a "Team Bullock" t-shirt), I'm rubbed the wrong way when a woman chooses to defame another woman - for any reason. Surely there was another way to show support for Bullock in this situation?

The bf's contention (if I understood him correctly) was that Fey could have easily criticized Jesse James instead (or even simultaneously) but that she deliberately chose to focus on McGee, calling her out on the basis of a lack of morality. But as much as I hate to see "Sandy" hurt by all of this, I'm forced to acknowledge that morality is a socially constructed concept that is not universal.  Moreover, (and the boyfriend totally disagrees with me on this), I don't feel that McGee has any obligation to uphold the vows entered into by either James or Bullock. Marriage is a social contract, engaged by two people. Not two people and the rest of the world - especially with the diminished role of the Church in articulating marital values.  Is it the rest of society's responsibility to keep James' John in his pants?  Whatever touchy-feely notions we have about the "rules" by which marriages (or even relationships) are governed, I am not convinced that this amounts to any obligation on society's part.  At best it is an expectation (realistic or otherwise) that others outside of the relationship will respect the confines by which the relationship (particular) operates. But to say that society articulates the parameters of that relationship? I'm just not buying it.

(As an aside, I had a conversation a few months back with a few relatives who were "gently" trying to get me to "see the light" where marriage was concerned, suggesting that relationships - marriages - that occur in performance - weddings - in front of family members and friends, are strengthened by the collective. Further to this is the notion that collective efforts are made to ensure the sanctity and longevity of the relationship. This argument really doesn't work for me, for a host of reasons, the least of which is the fact that most people don't know the details of a couple's relationship enough to put in any more than a token degree of effort. More often than not, intervention on behalf of "society" often results in dismal failures all round. But I digress...)

I will admit... most days I am not entirely sure where I stand on cheating. I don't do open relationships (read: have never done open relationships) and I've never cheated (by any of the definitions we're assuming in use here). But I do subscribe to the theory that life is short and, by extension, I am forced to acknowledge that as a result, people are inherently programmed to maximize their gain in a minimal amount of time.  On top of that, I typically feel that monogamy is also socially constructed, especially with indications of successfully functional polygamous/polyamorous societies throughout time. Maybe cheating is just the "logical" course of action for a species that does not want to die out.

What say you? Who would you hold responsible? To what degree?

1. The cheater in the relationship
2. The cheater outside of the relationship
3. The cheater outside of the relationship (who doesn't know that Party A is married or otherwise involved)
4. Both, equally
5. Neither, equally

While I find it hard to absolve McGee of culpability in this instance, it's fairly easy to assume that had it not been her, it would have been someone else, if that was what James wanted. That just seems to be the way "cheating" works.

...Suffice it to say, between Tiger and Jesse, the conversations in our house have been numerous! :P

All that said, I have nothing but love for Sandra Bullock, abhor celebrity gossip, and must apologize for using this unfortunate story to extrapolate a larger discussion about relationships in general.

Exes and other things...

I know this comes out of nowhere, but it was prompted by a long, relatively personal, conversation I had with an ex this evening.

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Some time ago (read: a few years back) I got up the courage to send my first ever b/f a Facebook friend request. It was an odd breakup but we were young - really young (I was 18 and we'd "dated" for a year and a half) - and I assume that breakups are weird for most young people. The thing was, I hadn't had that many bfs since so it wasn't really as though I had to wade through a plethora of men to remember him. In fact, when you get right down to it, I've had two "serious" bfs prior to my current one and one (what I'd term) "serious fling".  Oddly enough, they are all on my Facebook friends list...and I do talk to all of them with varying frequency.

My bf has never commented on this in any negative way but he does have pretty clear cut rules about how breakups work in his world. You break up and that's the end of it. There is no hanging on or becoming friends or trying to feign happiness at the other end of a table while you dine with your former significant other and their new arm candy. In his mind, once a relationship's over, that's it. Finito.That's all she wrote.

Of course, my bf has a lot more history than I do (he says I exaggerate, which is probably true to a point) and it is arguably a lot more antagonistic. Me, on the other hand, well, I like my exes. While it is pretty doubtful I will ever sit down with any of them again face to face (in part because I am certain that they probably wouldn't want to go down that road) I like the fact that we are still in contact, for whatever it's worth, and that we can (and do!) chat every so often, sometimes on some pretty in depth topics. I find it interesting to think about the people my exes have become since the time that I knew them, while simultaneously seeing the people I knew them to be in the mix too.

I am fairly certain that for my current bf this is pretty untenable. In most cases, he isn't in contact with anybody he's had a relationship with though (perhaps ironically) I have met some people he's...er... been with in other capacities. As is typical of most men however, he doesn't do post mortems of past relationships (platonic or otherwise) so would see no point to retaining contact if we ever decided to part ways. I think this is sort of tragic, to be honest. Afterall, every previous relationship shapes our current selves.

Do you or would you talk to your exes?

Would you hang out with them if the opportunity arose?

Monkey biology

I'm in this group on Facebook: "I'm not married, pregnant or buying a condo" and while it is often plagued (as many large Facebook groups are) by too much advertising, the conversations throughout can be quite amusing.  Case in point is one of the threads, "So, what ARE we doing with our lives?"  

As a caveat I feel it's important to state that I don't think raising a family is an either/or thing, which is often how I read some of the comments from certain members of this group. I think many people who are willingly childless (and hope to remain that way) look at parents as though they're somehow burdened. That they're bored out of their minds, broke (or near it), and frustrated by the downward turn their life has taken ever since they took their vows, nevermind fertilized an egg or two. While I have stated (and will continue to state) that I think some parents do feel that way, I do truly believe that there are some who love being married, who have always wanted to be parents (regardless of what might be "popular") and who genuinely find married life and parenthood to be a rewarding experience.  To them, kudos I say!

One of the comments that struck me on the board today, however, was the following:

"I have to say that I'm looking for comments from people, especially women, who are over 35. At this point the question of whether or not you'll have kids is a lot more biologically out of your hands! so you're 22 (or 19 or 26 or whatever) and deciding not to have a kid? I wouldn't place money on that being your position in 10 years when you've met "the one"...

While I have some problems with the remainder of this comment, I will admit it got me thinking.  I have been with my bf for about a decade, give or take, and while the subject of kids has come up, we've both agreed that it's something we don't want. Jointly, exclusively, whatever...kids aren't for us. But I will admit to feeling a certain degree of trepidation on this topic... What if I change my mind? I've thought I didn't want kids for my whole life. Even as a kid I had no interest in those little baby dolls that cried and needed changing, preferring to be playing with my dog or stealing my brother's bike. But what if? One of my biggest fears (which is somewhat laughable since I'm afraid of everything) is that one day I'll wake up and want a baby.

The comment on the board made me wonder something else entirely... What if I just don't want a baby with my bf? :P What if he isn't "the one"? There's something biological there, at some level, isn't there, that goes well beyond emotion. Maybe it's his pheromones that rub me the wrong way. Maybe he just isn't good at building nests. Maybe I don't like the dance he does when he brings food back to the den. Or maybe I don't think he'll be able to hold his own against the other apes. I don't know.

What if?

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I let my bf read this entry and I got two reactions:

1. "My pheremones?!"
2. "I don't care which ape you're with...you don't want any little monkeys running around."

"Sven"

After breakfast today (and by breakfast I mean a pretty late lunch during which we ate "breakfast foods") my bf announced, "I really hope you find the man you're looking for".  The comment, which came seemingly from out of nowhere, made me turn to him and ask, "What makes you so sure you aren't that man?"

He laughed.

"Because," he said, with patience, "I've listened to you describe for years the kind of man you want and I know I'm not him. Besides, I just want you to be happy."

Now, I feel the need to explain a few things to the readers who don't know me. I'm twenty-seven years old. My bf is six years my senior and we've been together just short of a decade. In that time he's seen me graduate from high school and complete two subsequent university degrees. He's now putting up with my quest for a third (and let's face it, the man deserves a medal for that alone).  In the same amount of time, I've seen him change as well. He's changed careers, he's changed roommates, he's changed living situations.  From time to time he's changed the bedsheets and his clothes. (I do him a disservice; the man loves doing laundry.) Still, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel I'd changed more than him.

Why?

Put simply, because I was a teenager when we met and I had a lot of formative years still ahead of me.   By contrast, he'd been out in the world for a while, dating, living and holding down a real job. Suffice it to say, whatever I thought I wanted or needed at eighteen has been overhauled (and then some) over the past decade.

Now, if we unpack his comment a bit it sounds like a breakup is inevitable, if not immediate, so I'm sure you're all probably asking, "What the heck are you two doing?" (Some of you might also be asking why we aren't married and let me assure you we - not the "royal we" but we as in both of us - have a range of reasons, explanations, theories and excuses in response to that question. But go ahead and ask. :p)

The fact is, our relationship isn't broken. We get along, we have a good time, we fight like there's no tomorrow and we make up in much the same way. I can safely say that my bf is my best friend and he's said that about me, too. It's about as normal as a relationship can be, when you get right down to it.  Having said that, we're both pretty good at facing reality and we don't delude ourselves into thinking that everyone has to believe we're in love 100% of the time.  Moreover, there's a certain freedom that comes with having been together for as long as we have and that includes being honest about our partner's misgivings.

With all of that in mind, my bf said today that he was hoping "Sven" was just around the corner.  Sven, he figures is a pretty sexy name for my as of yet fictitious partner-to-be, and he coupled this with a hideous Swedish/Scandinavian accent simply to drive home the point. (Don't ask me where he comes up with this crap. As far as I know, he doesn't do drugs.) Sven would be, of course, all the things my bf (supposedly) is not, including driven, ambitious, "egregiously wealthy", blonde with a six pack of abs (not beer), a surfboard in one hand and a puppy's leash in the other.  Somewhere along the way I think Sven became Australian....but my bf can't do that accent at all.

"Maybe he'll show up at one of your conferences," the bf says. Of course, I have to laugh at this. Apparently my bf has not attended (m)any academic conferences. I have yet to see a six pack on anybody. That would be a fantasy straight out of one of my Harlequins. But I won't hold my breath.

I'm not sure whether it's good for my bf to be thinking he isn't the man of my dreams. Being a realist is one thing, being a pessimist is another and I'd hate to think we were dragging out the inevitable.  Besides, I'm pretty sure Sven, for all of his Armani couture and fluency in four languages, can't make the best mashed potatoes ever, wouldn't encourage the stuffed animals in my condo to go on nighttime missions and probably wouldn't find me pretending to be a robot cute/sexy/funny. He probably wouldn't challenge me to beat him at video games and probably wouldn't be all that interested in stomping through puddles at the park looking at random dogs.

Just sayin'.



P.S. That first guy couldn't be any less of a "Sven", now could he?!

Photo credit: Toomas