For those of you who know me, this won't come as any big surprise: I am petrified of pretty much everything in life. Most people don't believe me when I say this, but it's true - I am.
A few months ago I submitted an abstract for an as of yet unwritten paper to be considered for a conference presentation and was accepted to be part of a panel. Because of said abstract I was also asked to participate in a separate discussion group. Great for getting my ideas out there and also good for networking purposes. All good things that will supposedly aid in the advancement of my academic career except for one little hitch:
I haven't been able to sleep properly since the acceptance.
In October.
I've been told that most (if not all) academics endure this cyclical feeling of unease, anxiety and frustration and many feel at times as though they don't belong. I've also heard that academics tend to feel isolated in this regard but that "everyone feels that way" and that we "aren't alone".
None of that is reassuring.
The fact of the matter is I've been having nightmares for months. I can't sleep unless I tire myself to the point of exhaustion (sometimes not even then) and on many nights sleep comes in fits and starts. It's a depressing, exhausting and counterproductive sleep. On top of that, I'm usually so distracted when I am awake I can barely concentrate on the most trivial of tasks (including watching a half an hour sitcom).
My feelings of inadequacy have been amplified by a particular class that I simply cannot relax in. In the past few weeks I've been troubled by the fact that I cannot participate in class discussions or engage with my peers in the classroom. I'm petrified of saying anything, petrified of writing responses (which we do every week and submit via email) and petrified of almost everything associated with this particular course. In short, the class makes me miserable.
A couple of weeks ago I did what I consider to be the most unthinkable thing of my academic career. After almost a decade of post-secondary school, I skipped my first class. Why? Because I had what I can only assume was a panic attack and was in tears on multiple occasions over the span of several hours. All because the prof asked our class to do one little thing. It wasn't grueling or demanding; he just told us to speak frankly about something (anything) for ten minutes or so...
Only the thought of that made me sick.
Now I have to admit that I've always been pretty petrified of performing in school (or anywhere, for that matter), and I usually try to soothe the anxieties of my own students who exhibit similar fears. I've been told by countless professors that I have nothing to worry about and my current supervisor has gotten to a point where he says I simply have to get over it... but over it, I simply am not.
And this particular class is driving home the point that I really should just quit now and go hide in a hole.
A few months ago I submitted an abstract for an as of yet unwritten paper to be considered for a conference presentation and was accepted to be part of a panel. Because of said abstract I was also asked to participate in a separate discussion group. Great for getting my ideas out there and also good for networking purposes. All good things that will supposedly aid in the advancement of my academic career except for one little hitch:
I haven't been able to sleep properly since the acceptance.
In October.
I've been told that most (if not all) academics endure this cyclical feeling of unease, anxiety and frustration and many feel at times as though they don't belong. I've also heard that academics tend to feel isolated in this regard but that "everyone feels that way" and that we "aren't alone".
None of that is reassuring.
The fact of the matter is I've been having nightmares for months. I can't sleep unless I tire myself to the point of exhaustion (sometimes not even then) and on many nights sleep comes in fits and starts. It's a depressing, exhausting and counterproductive sleep. On top of that, I'm usually so distracted when I am awake I can barely concentrate on the most trivial of tasks (including watching a half an hour sitcom).
My feelings of inadequacy have been amplified by a particular class that I simply cannot relax in. In the past few weeks I've been troubled by the fact that I cannot participate in class discussions or engage with my peers in the classroom. I'm petrified of saying anything, petrified of writing responses (which we do every week and submit via email) and petrified of almost everything associated with this particular course. In short, the class makes me miserable.
A couple of weeks ago I did what I consider to be the most unthinkable thing of my academic career. After almost a decade of post-secondary school, I skipped my first class. Why? Because I had what I can only assume was a panic attack and was in tears on multiple occasions over the span of several hours. All because the prof asked our class to do one little thing. It wasn't grueling or demanding; he just told us to speak frankly about something (anything) for ten minutes or so...
Only the thought of that made me sick.
Now I have to admit that I've always been pretty petrified of performing in school (or anywhere, for that matter), and I usually try to soothe the anxieties of my own students who exhibit similar fears. I've been told by countless professors that I have nothing to worry about and my current supervisor has gotten to a point where he says I simply have to get over it... but over it, I simply am not.
And this particular class is driving home the point that I really should just quit now and go hide in a hole.
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