I know this comes out of nowhere, but it was prompted by a long, relatively personal, conversation I had with an ex this evening.
Some time ago (read: a few years back) I got up the courage to send my first ever b/f a Facebook friend request. It was an odd breakup but we were young - really young (I was 18 and we'd "dated" for a year and a half) - and I assume that breakups are weird for most young people. The thing was, I hadn't had that many bfs since so it wasn't really as though I had to wade through a plethora of men to remember him. In fact, when you get right down to it, I've had two "serious" bfs prior to my current one and one (what I'd term) "serious fling". Oddly enough, they are all on my Facebook friends list...and I do talk to all of them with varying frequency.
My bf has never commented on this in any negative way but he does have pretty clear cut rules about how breakups work in his world. You break up and that's the end of it. There is no hanging on or becoming friends or trying to feign happiness at the other end of a table while you dine with your former significant other and their new arm candy. In his mind, once a relationship's over, that's it. Finito.That's all she wrote.
Of course, my bf has a lot more history than I do (he says I exaggerate, which is probably true to a point) and it is arguably a lot more antagonistic. Me, on the other hand, well, I like my exes. While it is pretty doubtful I will ever sit down with any of them again face to face (in part because I am certain that they probably wouldn't want to go down that road) I like the fact that we are still in contact, for whatever it's worth, and that we can (and do!) chat every so often, sometimes on some pretty in depth topics. I find it interesting to think about the people my exes have become since the time that I knew them, while simultaneously seeing the people I knew them to be in the mix too.
I am fairly certain that for my current bf this is pretty untenable. In most cases, he isn't in contact with anybody he's had a relationship with though (perhaps ironically) I have met some people he's...er... been with in other capacities. As is typical of most men however, he doesn't do post mortems of past relationships (platonic or otherwise) so would see no point to retaining contact if we ever decided to part ways. I think this is sort of tragic, to be honest. Afterall, every previous relationship shapes our current selves.
Do you or would you talk to your exes?
Would you hang out with them if the opportunity arose?
I actually bumped into my ex from when I was 17, a few weeks ago. It was a bit strange to see him, as we both have grown up a bit. He did not even recognize me at first (probably because I used to be blonde). It was nice to catch up, but that was it.
ReplyDelete"Can exes still be friends?" - is a hard question to answer. I am not totally sure how to feel about it. It is complicated on a few levels.
1. You invested a lot of time with that person, know a lot about them, and became really close. Why would you throw that away?
2. Another thing - why did you brake up?
3. The new boyfriend, would not be happy.
4. Even though this may not be admitted when an ex couple is trying to become friends.
It is a very tough question, and that's were long term break ups suck! Why should we throw everything away? - I assume human nature thinks it is easier for both parties...to distance each other in order to get over it.